Why I Blog....

I know that even though things are hard right now, we've got it easy compared to many. A trip to Children's Hospital is a good reminder of that. Passing the huge PICU on the 3rd floor and hearing the beeping of the monitors slap me back into reality pretty fast. But then a little voice says as I enter those big glass doors, "If we don't have it so bad, then why is my baby here?".  This inner turmoil has made me into an emotional wreck, trying to hold it together for my girls. After all, what good am I if I just wallow and give up? This is my motivation to start this blog. I need a place to vent and stress and gripe without feeling like I need to be grateful it isn't worse. Yes, I am so thankful that Hannah can be at home and that she will eventually out grow this. But I need a place to mourn the loss of a normal, healthy baby. Wires, tubes and monitors that we drag around with us eventually takes its toll on normal.  And I am not implying that we don't have an amazing support network. My closest friends have become my family, stepping up and helping to hold my little family together. There is something so wonderful when people who were just casual acquaintances last year become people that you know you couldn't live without. I'm not to saying that our families haven't been amazing as well.  But there is only so much that friends and family can take. I feel like I can't be completely honest all the time without people worrying about me. I am fine. I am strong. I am a cowgirl and it will take much more than this to break me. But to stay that way I need a place that I can vent all of my dark feelings and deepest fears. That place is here. It isn't all butterflies and flowers. It is messy and real.  Consider yourself warned. Read on if you wish or hit the back button, I won't judge either way.